If it was your loved one who was injured, you are most likely experiencing many of the same emotions and adjustments that your loved one is experiencing.

These are all normal responses to an injury. Understanding more about your situation can help. Below is information on coping, what you can expect and rebuilding your life. You can either scroll down or click these links to be taken to the information you need now:

You Are Not Going Crazy | Your Healing Journey | Relationship with Your Loved One | Physical Symptoms | Denial | Anger | Guilt and Survival Guilt | Depression and Anxiety | Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | Getting Better | Trigger Events | Focus on Life.

You can also contact MADD at any time by calling our Victim/Survivor Helpline at 1-877-MADD-HELP (877-623-3435). We have trained victim advocates that can answer your questions, help you understand what you are experiencing or simply listen. We understand what you are going through and we want to help. MADD helps survivors survive and our services are free.

GRIEF

You Are Not Going Crazy.

Grief is the body, mind and heart’s response to a loss. When that loss is a death of a loved one, it can be physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally painful.

A sudden death can be more difficult to cope with than an anticipated death, which is often the result of illness or advanced age. It can be even more traumatic if your loved one was violently killed such as in a drunk driving crash. Knowing that your loved one’s death could have been prevented can be one of the most painful aspects of your grieving.

And because of the senselessness of the death, you may feel angrier than you ever thought possible. You may be experiencing frightening, violent thoughts or doing things that seem strange and out of character. You may feel as if you are "going crazy."

You are not going crazy. What you’re experiencing is a very normal and natural grief response. This experience can feel overwhelming. But know that it will not always feel this intense. Grief is a journey—a healing journey.

Your Healing Journey.

It’s a myth that there are stages of grief. And, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief is a very personal journey that has no timetable—everyone grieves in his or her own way and in his or her own time. There are also many factors that can affect how you grieve: coping skills prior to the death; quality of the relationship with the person who was killed; circumstances surrounding the death; emotional support from family and friends; and cultural background.

In general, our society is uncomfortable with the process and emotions of grief. You might have well-meaning family and friends telling you that it is time to “move on” or to “snap out of it.” This is no reflection upon you; it is simply that these family and friends are ill prepared to support you while you grieve. Many people who attempt to comfort drunk driving victims/survivors, including some professionals, do not understand that intense and long-lasting grief is appropriate. Always remember that where you are in your healing journey is exactly where you need to be to grieve your loved one.

When you experience a trauma, your world is forever changed. Your safety, security, predictability and sense of control can all become distorted. Taking back some of the control can help in your journey.

To help regain a more accurate perspective, you can work toward a better understanding of the crash. This search for meaning involves acknowledging your trauma and asking questions. At times, there are no answers. But it’s important to get as many answers as you can. Asking specific questions about the crash and obtaining a copy of the crash report are good ways to begin.

Investigating potential financial resources can help alleviate some of the financial stressors you may be experiencing. Researching the criminal and civil justice systems can also empower you. There are agencies and written materials such as those in the Resources Section that can aid you in understanding your options. A MADD Victim Advocate can also help.

Learning to cope with your loss is also another important aspect of your journey. Coping is an attempt to adapt to your new circumstances and incorporate them into your life.

Your life will not be the same as it was before your loved one was killed. Learning to cope with your grief requires you recognize, acknowledge and accept all that is involved in the journey. The process can feel like a roller coaster ride with ups and downs along the way. But no matter how painful and difficult, grieving is necessary to heal and find new meaning in life.

Here are some coping tips you might find helpful.

• Tell your story over and over again.
• Seek support from a professional counselor or support group.
• Write about your experience in a journal.
• Seek out information about your loved one's crash to answer those unanswered questions.
• Understand that everyone grieves differently and be especially sensitive to family members who may be grieving differently than you.
• Reinvest in life by reaching out to others.

Your healing journey does not mean that you will stop loving or forget the person who died. Your healing journey is about acknowledging the life, love and loss of your loved one.

Relationship with Your Loved One.

The degree of pain and suffering that follows a death is directly related to the nature of the relationship you had with the person who died.

If it’s your partner that has died, you are grieving the loss of your best friend, lover, confidant and, perhaps, co-parent. And because you have lost such an essential part of yourself, you may feel incomplete and abandoned. Having to now make decisions alone and handle the financial responsibilities can add to your anxiety. If at all possible, put off making major decisions such as moving or changing jobs until you have made the initial adjustment to being without your partner. MADD’s brochure Spousal Grief provides more in-depth information on coping with the death of a partner.

The death of a child can leave you particularly vulnerable. It is unnatural and unjust for a child to die before his or her parents. And the sudden and violent death of a child in a drunk driving crash is nothing less than devastating, regardless if the child was young or an adult.

When a child is killed, hopes and dreams are lost. You are apt to feel that your child’s death was deeply wrong for both you and your child—so much so that it can hardly be expressed. You may also feel completely empty of hope, meaning and the desire to go on. It is helpful to understand grief and explore your feelings, which can help in coping with your loss. MADD’s brochure Loss, Pain & Healing: A Parent's Guide to Grief provides more in-depth information on coping with the death of a child.

If a parent was killed in a drunk driving crash, no matter how old he or she was, you may deeply regret that their death was an undignified one. And because we anticipate that when our parents die, their deaths will be peaceful and pleasant, it may feel wrong that you did not have the chance to thank them for all they have done or to say goodbye. It also signifies the end of a lifetime bond. MADD’s Care Sheet on Adult Parental Loss provides helpful information on coping with the death of a parent.

If your sibling was killed, the death brings an end to a significant relationship—your brother or sister was your playmate, protector and friend. Sibling relationships are distinctive in that they often last a lifetime and share similar experiences and history. You may feel your sibling's loss deeply as you become aware of the special part he or she played within your family. It is normal for you and other siblings to try to fill some of these roles. The loss of a sibling can also alter your relationship with your parents. MADD’s brochure Adult Siblings: We Hurt Too provides more in-depth information on coping with the death of a sibling.

Regardless of your relationship with the person who was killed, the shock can be overwhelming. As human beings, we form strong physical and emotional bonds to others. When these physical and emotional attachments are severed, we react in ways to cope with the loss by grieving.

You can also read the MADD brochure Men and Mourning for information on the male grief journey, Unique Grief for the non-family bereaved and Monday Mourning for the workplace of an employee involved in a drunk driving crash.

Physical Symptoms.

Grief does not just affect you emotionally; it can also affect you physically.

You may feel as if you ache or are worn out. Illness is also common. You might be having trouble sleeping or want to sleep all the time. You might also feel nauseous and quit eating. Or, you may feel ravenous and eat everything in sight.

The physical aspect of grief is simply your body's reaction to the trauma you have experienced. Whenever possible, eat well and get plenty of rest to help your body heal. If the physical problems of grief persist, see your doctor.

Denial.

Denial is the mind's way of buffering you from the full impact of the trauma until you can absorb it; denial is a protective barrier.

When you heard of your loved one's death, you may have gone into shock, which feels like you are in a state of numbness. Looking back, you may wonder how you remained calm or completed some tasks that now seem impossible. You probably even have a hard time remembering exactly what you did during those first few days and feel that you were more like a robot going through the motions.

Denial following a violent and unanticipated death is considered normal and functional. The denial and shock actually allows you to experience grief at your own pace and helps you until you are better able to cope.

If you are still unable to think clearly or seem forgetful and detached, be patient with yourself. Remember, grief is a journey.

Anger.

Anger is a common grief reaction, especially when your loved one was killed in a drunk driving crash.

You may be surprised by the intensity of anger you feel for the person who killed your loved one. You may also have anger toward the legal system, yourself and even the person who was killed.

And even though anger does not feel good, it can seem less painful than sadness. You will eventually need to give up some of the anger, rage and vengeance to experience the sadness underneath it. By being willing to face the intense grief underneath the anger, you may find some relief from the rage.

Here are some tips on constructive ways you can cope with your anger.

• Write about your feelings in a journal.
• Engage in a physical activity such as an exercise program or team sport to help release feelings of anger.
• Channel the negative into a positive through advocacy work.
• Understand that everyone reacts differently; be sensitive to family members and other loved ones who may be reacting differently than you.
• Identify what triggers your anger and develop a plan for coping with the emotion during those times.
• Know your limits in controlling your anger and never enter into a situation you think may become physically violent.
• Don’t allow abusive behavior—verbal or physical—from a loved one or yourself.
• Call MADD to be put in touch with a victim advocate in your area.
• Attend a support group.
• Seek professional counseling, if necessary.

For more on anger, read The MADDvocate article “Grief and Anger.”

Guilt and Survival Guilt.

Anger frequently becomes guilt, in particular that you are somehow responsible for what happened or that you didn't do enough in the relationship while your loved one was alive. You may say to yourself, "If only I had known" or "If only I told him I loved him." Regrets are normal, but you cannot change the past.

Possibly the toughest job you will have in grieving is to look rationally at how your beliefs make you feel guilty. Try not to exaggerate your role in your loved one's death. The person who killed your loved one is the person who is negligent, not you.

Talking with others who have some understanding of your experience can help you look at your guilt realistically. Feeling less guilty will not take away your sadness or anger, but it can be a big step in your healing journey.

Beyond guilt, there is survival guilt. In general, survivor guilt is when a person feels he or she should not continue to go on in the wake of another’s death. Often, someone suffering from survival guilt will continually ask ‘Why me?’ ‘What does this mean?’ ‘Do I now have some obligation because I was spared?’

There are many degrees of survival guilt ranging from someone who may feel mildly uncomfortable and thinks about it once in a while to the person who self-sabotages all the time. Those with high survivor guilt will self-punish, or self-sabotage, by abusing alcohol and drugs or acting out in ways such as having unprotected sex or affairs.

Recognizing when survivor guilt has shaded over into impeding the grieving process is key.

When the guilt brings about dysfunction in one or more of the major realms of life such as psychologically, work, relationships or your health then it is time to seek help.

To learn more about survival guilt, read MADD’s brochure Survival Guilt and the MADDvocate article “Survival Skills.”

BEYOND GRIEF

Depression and Anxiety.

While grief reactions such as sadness, anger and fear are normal, more serious psychological complication can develop.

Below are the signs and symptoms of depression:

• Frequent crying spells
• Persistent feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
• Inappropriate feelings of guilt
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Sleep and/or appetite disturbance that affects overall health
• Social withdrawal
• Suicidal thoughts

If you are experiencing some or all of these feelings and they are interfering with your abilities to physically and emotionally function or relationships with family and friends are in jeopardy, seek help immediately. Clinical depression and anxiety can be debilitating, but they are very treatable. And, there are many professional counselors readily available in local communities.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When a person is exposed to a traumatic event they frequently suffer psychological consequences such as depression or anxiety. Some people, however, suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is deeper, broader and more complex than depression.

Symptoms of PTSD include “flashbacks” where unpleasant memories of the crash repeatedly intrude into your thoughts and awareness. You may be driving in your car and suddenly have thoughts of the crash or perceive sensations (images, smells) that "bring you back" to the crash. Nightmares are also common. Other symptoms include outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating or remembering and hypervigilance or exaggerated startle response.

Trauma victims/survivors who consistently experience most or all of these symptoms for at least one month or longer may be suffering PTSD, which is diagnosed by mental health professionals. If you believe you may be suffering from PTSD, it is important to seek professional help. PTSD is treatable with a combination of therapies.

For more on PTSD, read the MADDvocate article “Shattering of the Soul.” MADD’s Care Sheet on PTSD also provides helpful information.

HEALING

Getting Better.

If you are afraid to get better because you think you might forget your loved one, know that you will never forget. You will always cherish the memory of your loved one and, in time, you will remember the happy memories more often than the painful ones.

To experience the depths of sadness you might be feeling now only means that you are fully alive and human. It also means that the denial and numbness are no longer necessary and the fullness trauma can be absorbed.

Getting better means:

• Solving problems and completing tasks in your daily work routine again.
• Sleeping well and having energy again.
• Feeling good enough about yourself to be hopeful about the rest of your life.
• Being able to enjoy the pleasurable and beautiful things in life again.

Grief is a journey that takes time and hard work, but it is necessary to heal and find new meaning in life. And you can and will find new meaning.

Trigger Events.

Because your loved one will always be a part of you, there will be times when you experience twinges of grief—regardless of how long ago it has been since his or her death.

Anniversaries, holidays and birthdays often trigger reminders of the death or absence of your loved one. In the past, these times of joy brought your family together, now and forever they will trigger memories of your loved one. These significant dates will be difficult, but they can provide you with the opportunity to reminisce and begin new rituals to honor your loved one. And planning ahead for these days allow you and your family to prepare for the grief that could arise.

Perhaps the most significant and most difficult time is the anniversary of the crash, particularly the first crash anniversary. But commemorating your loved one's death on this day can help everyone in celebrating the love and life of your loved one.

As you move down the path of your healing journey, the memories associated with your loved one will no longer evoke the same intensely painful thoughts and feelings. The loss will take on new meaning and, eventually, you will develop a renewed perspective of the world around you.

The MADDvocate article “An Occasion of Grief” is a good resource for information on coping with grief during the holidays and other special remembrance days. The article “A Gift of Hope for the Holidays” is an inspirational piece on how five families celebrate the life and memory of their loved one during the holidays. Also available is MADD’s Care Sheet on Coping During the Holidays.

Focus on Life.

Ultimately, you will have to decide when the time is right for you to focus more of your attention to living—it is a shift from focusing on your grief to focusing on rebuilding your life.

Focusing on living is a way of showing that life, as it was represented in your loved one, matters to you. It can also be important for others who love and depend on you.

For your own sake, you have a responsibility to try to heal. You could not have prevented the outcome of the drunk driving crash that killed your loved one. You can, however, control how you choose to cope with his or her death and how you choose to live the rest of your life.