Someone you care about is facing a crisis.  You are there because you want to help.  Yet, you may fear saying or doing "the wrong thing".

Don't worry.  Nothing you can say or do will "fix it", so your role is simply to be there with family and friends as they go through this experience.  It is not your role to try to convince them that it is not so bad.  Feeling fearful and apprehensive is a normal reaction to what has happened. 

Out of our own anxiety, it is easy to say things that cut off people's emotions rather than encourage expression of them.  Likewise, we can be overly concerned about someone who doesn't seem to be feeling much and try to push them into being more expressive.  Neither approach is helpful.

A Few Don'ts ~  avoid phrases such as:

• "I know just how you feel."  (You don't.)
• "You shouldn't feel that way."  (They can't help it.)
• "It was God's will."  (How do you know?")
• "You have to be strong."  (They don't.)

How You Can Help Now ~

• Accept all feelings - yours and theirs.  Allowing a few of your own tears to show and touching or holding is more important than anything you can say.
• Ask if the family would like others to come be with them.  If so, offer to make the calls.
• If children or pets at home need attention, arrange for their care.
• Check the vehicle the family drove to the hospital to be sure the lights are off, doors are locked, and the vehicle is properly parked.
• If the police were involved and are still at the hospital, ask how the family may obtain the police report.  If not, ask a family member if the officer left a card and if they would like for you to obtain the report for them.

(Information taken from the MADD brochure How You Can Help)

"After a person has died, your thoughts turn to what you can do for the survivors.  Again, the answer is much the same:  Be there.  Listen to them.  Accept their grief.  Do call.  Do go.  Do reach out.  Don't be put off that you won't know what to say.  To bring emotional support to someone in crisis requires only this:  Be loving.  Be there."  ~  Jo Coudet