It has been said that there is no loss as devastating as the loss of a child. Sudden death is a mix-up of everything we know to be true in life. Losing a child to a sudden death is a break in the natural law and order of life. The child we have spent our time loving and caring for and planning to watch well into adulthood, has been taken.It is a heartbreak like no other.Those who live through and survive such an ordeal without becoming bitter have the strongest, most loving souls of all people walking the planet." (I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, 2000)

Grief is a natural, normal emotion. Grief is the normal reaction to your loss. When your child died, your grief seemed intolerable. The unbearable pain, the unfathomable sorrow and emptiness might surge over you. You might be assaulted by a wild range of emotions and thoughts. Denial, confusion, panic...the beginnings of an emptiness that might only grow deeper as you realize your loss. This excruciating pain might create stress and anxiety. Because grief is a natural emotion it needs to be felt, expressed, acknowledged and understood. Because the death of your child brings forth so many conflicting feelings, it is very difficult to deal with this grief in a healthy way.

But you can do it. If your healthy, natural emotional processes are not allowed their natural expression and development or if they are repressed or denied for any reason, the result might be distortions of these emotions and feelings, which are unhealthy psychologically, physically, socially and spiritually. Comfort derives from recognizing that others before us, many others, have felt this very pain, struggled with the same questions, and eventually let go of the lives they, too, had counted on. Misery does love company. You might welcome the painful truth that others were once as devastated as you and yet found the courage to stay productive in this world.

How can you help yourself heal?

Be aware of what you are feeling. Acknowledge the pain of grief - grief must be lived through. You cannot avoid the pain. Don't rush through the grief process. Progress needs to be slow. Share your thoughts and feelings - talk about your loss. Support groups have compassionate listeners; seek out one in your community. You need to talk about the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the hurt, the depression and any other emotion that you are feeling. Your listener needs to receive your words without giving advice and without feeling obligated to "fix it".

Release your emotions - find appropriate outlets for the energy of your anger - yell or cry in the shower, pound a pillow, work - mow the lawn or weed the garden, sports - hit a golf ball or fast walking. You will find that sometimes it feels good to feel bad, and often it feels bad to feel good.

Allow yourself to weep - crying does make you feel better.

Establish a daily routine - consistency helps relieve the tension and confusion of grief and helps restore a sense of personal control. Consistency might help you restore some order to your life. However, some people go back to work too early, thinking the routine will keep them focused. Setting up a structure of physical activity might be an excellent way to reduce this stress. When you are ready to go back to work, you may find that your concentration and productivity will be reduced; but the compassionate support of your coworkers will compensate for your frequent distractions.

Keep a journal - writing helps to organize your thoughts and feelings and allows you to see progress. Your journal might be your best friend. Tell your journal just what you are feeling. You can wallow and let your normal feelings of sadness surface. A good wallow will help you feel better later. You need to get these feelings out. It will help you understand that you are not going crazy, just grieving.

Write a letter to your child - pour out your feelings and tell of your anger, guilt, love and longing.

Personal belongings - put away and dispose of clothes and personal belongings of your deceased child when you are ready and on your own time scale. Do it alone or with family or friends. Take time to reminisce and remember as you sort through the belongings. Give some as mementos to family or friends. This may be very painful,so be sure you are ready to do this task. Decide ahead of time who you want with you during this process.

Get your affairs in order - taking care of life's paperwork can help restore a sense of control. Neglect or delay can have serious consequences. If you can't face it yet, get someone to help you.

Remember - spend time remembering...such as remembering your child on special days; birthdays, holidays, anniversary of death, graduation date. You may want to bake a birthday cake, have the child's favorite meal, decorate the grave or volunteer to do community service.

Ask for what you need - it is important that you learn to assert yourself and ask. It is unfair and unrealistic to expect people to know what you want or need.

Sooner or later the most difficult question of all comes up: "How many children do you have?" It might be the most heart-wrenching moment of all. You should answer the question in the way that is most comfortable for you. Response examples: "I have four children living." or "I have four children living, one child died at age 16." Just say what you are comfortable saying.

Learn about grief.

Believe in yourself. Don't be quick to make changes. Set small goals. Be patient with yourself. Be healthy.

Don't fear being alone - alone and lonely are not synonymous. Solitude does not mean being lonely.

Take one day at a time.

Create rituals - develop ways to acknowledge the significant and special days that you celebrated with your child. Do not lose the meaning of those days.

What about the others in your family?

Your Spouse - no two people, even if they have been married for years, grieve in the same way. In addition, men and women generally grieve differently. Women can grieve with open arms, they blend and merge it into the very fiber of their lives. Men, on the whole, get busy and try to work it out. Women are allowed by our culture to show some emotion and the need for support as long as it does not disrupt things for long. Men must maintain the "stiff upper lip" and stay in control. Burying themselves in "work" and dreading to come home. You may be out of sync with your spouse. One may blame the other. One cannot understand why the other is not grieving as he or she is grieving. Many times these differences drive the parents apart. Try to accept the differences. Encourage to your spouse to be open about his or her feelings - ask specific questions. Don't ask "How are you feeling?" or "How are you doing?" - these are likely to be answered with, "I'm fine". Try more specific questions for specific answers. If you ask a question like, "What was the hardest part of the funeral for you?" or "What do you think Scott would want us to do today?" it will usually open up more conversation.

Your other children - they will be affected by the death of their sibling. There is also the secondary grief reaction which includes reactions to their parents grief, increased fear of losing another close person and others that result from the death. It is not uncommon for surviving siblings to feel they must fill the void in the family created by the death of a brother or sister. Expressions of sibling grief might include: crying, depression, fear, feeling mixed up, guilt for fights and arguments with their deceased sibling, experimenting with drugs or alcohol to ease the pain, experimenting with sex to get close to someone, protecting parents by not sharing their feelings, anger, floundering at school, work or socially. You as a parent can become inconsistent in your behavior and discipline. This causes your child to feel that their world is not so safe and predictable anymore. It is important that you provide a support for them at this time. Also, be careful of overprotecting your surviving children. While that reaction is normal, extreme or long-term overprotection will drive children away at a time when they need you and you need them the most. (The Grieving Parent , by Clarisse Belanger and Warren Minners, Holy Cross Hospital.)

I'm sitting here on this old crate back behind the furnace. The light's gone from the dirty pane and it's almost time for supper. He smiles at me from the tattered print. I've pulled it out so often. Dead so many years and still "I miss him, man, I miss him." My body shakes, the pressure builds, my chest is almost bursting. "God, let me cry - relieve the pain," but the tears just will not come. I think of him so often still, how he looked and how he laughed, to me he is no older now. If only I could touch him. When I remember special times, how he looked, his words, his play, Something in my chest swells up. It aches with no relief - just pain. Women cry so easily, and I have cried just once. I long to feel the sweet release of tears that just won't come for me. So I'll sit on this old crate back behind the furnace. I'll remember how it used to be, and - maybe - tears will come.

Hot-Line

The 'phone rang out; twas Thanksgiving eve; the caller was a stranger, "I had to talk to someone," she said,  "it's a long, long time 'till morning."

"I'm all alone in this little town away from friends and family.  My young son died seven years ago, and then my husband left me.  Nights are always lonely."

"I am a contract nurse," she said, "I go where 'er they send me.  Now it's a remote western town and only colleagues know me.  Nights are always lonely."

"I sat tonight and thought of home the way it was before he died, of Thanksgiving past and Christmas too.  My grief is overwhelming.  I must hold out 'till morning."

She told me of their grief at death; each struggled for survival.  "We got no help from church or friends.  Our families couldn't do it.  And then - he left.

And now I go from town to town across this widespread nation.  My days are filled with endless work; I serve the sick and helpless.  My nights are filled with - memories.

I love my work; no time to think.  I know grief's there to haunt me.  I've learned o'er time to shove it down.  But it won't shove tonight."

We talked and shared our thoughts of death; our sons were seventeen.  Her voice broke often as we talked, and then she sighed her thanks.  "I'll make it now." 

~both are from Andy's Mountain - Father's Grieve Too, A Journey Through Grief,  by Dwight L. Patton